If you have experience fake people then you will know the pain and confusion that this can cause. I met a charming forty plus dater and it seemed that we had a real connection. We met each other’s families and made it through various anniversaries. We appeared to have met our future partners and we were making plans for futures together.
Suddenly he started ignoring me.
While most of us have, at one time or another, overestimated our interest or capacity to commit, people who habitually hype up the future to get what they want in the present, are re fakers. They test the waters with their charm and open personality and if you respond positively and accommodate their behaviour by having fewer boundaries than you need, they’ll take advantage and put on a show of being open and committed but when it gets more serious they clam up and put up barriers and start acting in a selfish dominant manner.
It seems reasonable to expect that if a forty plus dater is talking about holidays and introducing you to their family, friends or co-workers, or talk about their feelings, unless they’re serious about you and prepared to share their space and whole life with you. However beware that some people will do all the above but then when it come to sharing a home and daily living experience they turn out to be selfish and critical and domineering, while still expecting you to be completely giving and co-operative..
In truth, emotionally available people with integrity are responsible with their words. So, even if they think about some of these future possibilities a day into knowing you, they know they need to give the relationship time to develop. They value sincerity and building genuine trust.
A faker uses promises, inferences and intensity to simulate an intimate relationship. On the receiving end, you’re subconsciously associating what they’re doing with someone you know far better than you do. It’s why so many people who’ve felt confused about what was real and what was fake, talk about feeling as if they knew this person already very quickly.
Be aware of alarm bells if you feel that the forty plus dater you are dating seems to know you better than you know yourself and that you are heading into intimacy very early on in the relationship.
Faker like to view themselves as intensely romantic and like to view that they are giving you the best time of your life, that you have been starved for companionship and romance and that you are treasure that they are rescuing.
When the promised future doesn’t materalise and the fairy tale rug is ripped from under your feet, it’s all too easy to ignore the lack of integrity and blame yourself. You reason that you were going to get this future and that this person, that promised you so much, is the real deal, it’s just that you messed up as a forty plus companion.
In truth, most fakers realise that if you were to genuinely get to know one another you wouldn’t like what you saw. So, they kill things off while the fantasy’s still intact. This cut and run form of ending a relationship is not only confusing but painful. However you need to realise that if the faker was worth anything in the first place they would never behave the way that they have.
It can also be about the newness wearing off. When they’re unsure if they can have you, they equate feeling out of control with desire and romance. Unfortunately if you believe what they are promising in the relationship and you let your guard down and fall for them, then the challenge is over and it is time for them to move on to another dating challenge.
Dating a faker can damage a person’s ability to trust themselves and others, with some feeling conned and humiliated.
Coming into contact with fakers while forty plus dating forced me to have stronger emotional, mental and physical boundaries and to be clearer about who I was and what I was looking for. I learned to be more discerning and grounded, instead of looking to be swept away.
If you’re serious about being in a serious relationship, learning to distinguish faking from genuine actions and words is critical. The easiest way to do this is to avoid moving too fast and disregarding your boundaries, true intentions and desires when you are forty plus dating . There might be fewer prospects and by being firm and resolute with your principles then you will be more to like-minded people who are seeking genuine love and relationships.
Sarah Hussey xx