Are you offensive and closed-minded and not very likeable? Is that `Too Honest?’
Is that one of those occasion when your are side swiped by a dating snake in the grass and you spend the whole day thinking about the elusive quick reply that you didn’t manage to get out in time !
I hope I am not needlessly offensive. I hate hurting people’s feelings. I also feel that I am empathetic and considerate and always try to be positive and try to think about being kind before I speak, but am I really. Is that the way other forty plus daters on Older Dating Online see me.
I try to handle tricky situations gracefully without being a doormat or feeling that I am being bullied. Sometimes it is better to avoid making a comment than cornering a person or being `too honest’ and forthright. After all it is worth remembering that you also have flaws and being ultra critical could open yourself up for having some of those pointed out in an unflattering manner.
“I’m just a straight-forward person,” “I think you’d appreciate my honesty.” Yes but only if it could lead to an enriching character building result rather than leaving the person feeling stripped of dignity and self-confidence. If you have been `honest’ and have left the recipient feeling bruised and battered then you are basically a dating jerk.
In my experience, there are places and ways to express an opinion with honesty. I love to have a good argument about politics or read a good book or film and have an open and honest discussion on it. But I would never attack the personality and integrity of someone I barely knew and try to pass those judgements off as a refreshing dose of “straight talking honesty’
There is a difference in being straightforward and being a forty plus dating jerk. Stopping yourself from saying out loud some cruel thing that pops into your head is not a lie. It is a necessary kindness if you are to function in society, whether you are on a forty plus dating site or not.
I’ve heard nasty people use the honesty excuse my whole life, as though basic human decency is deceptive untruths and they want no part in it. In their minds, being “honest” or “direct” with someone gives them license to offer unsolicited critiques of their failings as a person. If you can’t take it, their attitude implies, you must either be a liar yourself or be unwilling to face your flaws.
When has, “I’ll be honest” ever preceded a statement which is nice or flattering? Someone saying that they are being “honest” implies there is some sort of inherent truth in what they’re telling you, when really all they are doing is expressing their opinion.
Is expressing an opinion and being honest the same thing? I’m not so sure. With the advent of online dating, social media and `faux news’ perhaps we need to temper our `just being honest’ with a little `just being kind’
Sarah Hussey xx